Memories of a Schizophrenic
by VT Arkens
Summary: As Doug lays waiting for a chance to escape, he dreams of his life outside of Aperture and all the hurt that came with it. Prequel to "The Schizophrenic's Daughter".
1. Chapter 1: The Deal

**Things I've learned from writing this story: **

**1: I cannot write children**

**2: I think I may need some help (You'll see what I mean.)**

**3: The Chapters get better as they go along (Starting at Chapter Four is where I begin to actually take pride in it.)**

**Prequel**** to The Schizophrenic's Daughter.**

**Acknowledgments: **

**Cassy, Rachel, Anthony, James, S. Thresher, and C. Lucia for letting me steal their names (Even if they don't know it) **

**My RP Group, for all the support (Long live the Aftermath!)**

**And Scott, for always being there for me. I love you.**

* * *

><p>In reality, Aperture Laboratories was silent. The turrets didn't shoot, the personality cores didn't speak, nothing made a sound.<p>

But Doug wasn't in reality. He was in a world in which silence was but a longing in his heart; a wish he knew he would never reach.

_What's the point in running anymore...?_

_It's been so long..._

_Why not give yourself to her...?_

_Face it. She's never waking up..._

"Shut up!" He yelled to keep away the voices no one else could hear. "You don't exist! You never have! Leave me alone! I need... I need..." He clutched his head in his hands. _I need_ her.

"Doug?" He looked up at the companion cube beside him. "It's bad today, isn't it?" He could only nod. This voice was deep, yet it remained feminen. It's sweetness was the only thing he lived for, but today, its tone was filled with concern. "You need to rest. You haven't slept in days. I can keep watch." He complied and folded some cardboard boxes into a makeshift bed.

After he got settled and quieted his mind the best he could, he spoke once more. "B?"

"Yes?" The companion cube responded.

"Just... thanks." He closed his eyes. Without warning, dreams flooded his mind. They were not, however, the nightmares of murder, robots, and neurotoxin the usually plauged. This time, he dreamed of a young boy whose life was destined to become a living hell.

* * *

><p>Rachel knocked on the thick wooden door- an experience she was all too familiar with. She entered after hearing a response and saw the tall man with the graying brown hair sitting behind the large desk and the back of a black-haired child's head.<p>

"Mrs. Rattmann," Principal Thresher greeted her. "Please, have a seat. I'm sorry we have to meet again under these circumstances."

"What circumstances might they be, may I ask?" She questioned.

Principal Thresher looked over to the child, whose head was bowed and eyes closed. "Doug, do you want to explain it?"

The boy shook his head, but gave in after some pleading. "They were making fun of me again."

Rachel was shocked, even though this was a common occurence. "What? Who? Why?" Her own questions were answered when she realised her son's eyes were still shut. "Doug, look at me." Refusal. "Douglas! Look at me!" Knowing that she meant buisness when she called him that, he reluctantly obeyed. The brilliant blue surrounded his pupals, one of which was significantly larger than the other. The children found this strange and frightening, but she felt it was charming in an odd sort of way. She took the boy's hand. "And what does the school board plan to do about this?" She asked.

"Well, they're starting a new policy where we can't do anything unless a witness steps up, so unfortionatly, unless that happens, Doug will have to work this out on his own."

"What do you mean, 'Work this out on his own'? He's six years old! Anisocoria is not something to laugh about! Why should my son have to go through this just because he looks a little different!"

"Now, Mrs. Rattmann, you must understand-"

"No! I don't understand! This is a bunch of bullsh-... Bull shark." She managed to keep her language acceptable in front of her child. "Doug, we're leaving." She glanced over at Principal Thresher. "Goodday."

"Mrs. Rattmann..."

"I said goodday."

About an hour passed. Doug was in his room, and Rachel sat in hers. It was her day off, and she relished the peacful sound of the spring rain hitting the window. She moved only when she heard Doug open the refrigerator and pour himself a glass of juice. "Are you feeling any better?" Doug shook his head. "Honey..."

"Hey, what's all this about?" Rachel jumped when she heard the new voice behind her. She hadn't heard the door open.

"Cave! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that!"

Doug's mood immediatly brightened. "Uncle Johnson!"

Cave hugged him. "Hey, kid! What're you doing out of school?"

"There was an... incident." Rachel explained vauguely.

"Uncle Johnson! I made a new picture! Wanna see?"

Cave chuckled. "I'll tell you what. You get everything ready while I talk to your mom for a bit, deal?"

"Okay!"

When they were alone, Rachel explained the day's events. "Kids these days. I'm telling you, Rachel, Doug's probably the only decent one out there."

She smiled just a bit. "Would you be able to talk to him? He won't say a word about it to me."

"Of course. A boy needs a man to look up to. It's a confidence thing."

Rachel embraced him. "Thanks. You've been such a help with Doug. And ever since James..." She trailed off, more than a touch of sorrow present in her voice.

"Now don't you go thinking like that. That son of a bitch who killed him got what he deserved. He was drunk. Shouldn't have been anywhere near a car. I'll never forgive him for making my sister cry and leaving Doug without his father. Not for the rest of my life." His kind words touched her heart and she held him tighter.

Cave entered Doug's room, and after observing the boy's drawing, sat down on the bed next to him. "So, your mom tells me you've had some trouble at school."

Doug nodded. "Yeah."

"Who makes fun of you?"

"My class."

"All of them?"

Doug thought about this for a moment. "No. Not Cassandra."

"Ooh, a girl, 'eh? You like her?" Doug nodded. "She cute?"

"Yeah."

"You tell her yet?"

"No. We don't talk."

"Well, why not?" Cave smiled at his nephew.

"I dunno. Mommy says it's 'cause I'm an entavurt."

It took Cave a moment to piece together what he was trying to say. "Oh, you mean 'introvert'?"

"Yeah, that was it."

Cave laughed and pulled the boy close. "Now, Doug. If you ever want to talk to me- about school, girls, whatever- you can always come to me, alright? And some day, when I have my own big company, you can work there if you want. That sound like a plan?

"Yes, sir, _Mr._ Johnson!"


	2. Chapter 2: Diagnosis

Doug sat alone in the lunchroom two years later. His pencil moved fluidly over the paper in front of him, stopping only when he noticed that someone had sat next to him. A girl with chocolate brown hair was now looking at the array of pencil markings before him. "What's that?" She asked.

Doug looked down at the paper, then back up at her. "Hydrogen nitrate."

Deciding that the compound sounded much too complicated for her, she changed the subject. "I'm Cassandra Dasley. Let's be friends."

"O- okay." Doug didn't need to be reminded of her name. He'd never forgotten it.

She sat there and studied him for a moment. "Hey, I know you! You were in Miss Adam's class in first grade! You're name's Doug, right?"

"Yeah. I-" His eyes suddenly flickered to the left, as if looking for something that wasn't there.

Cassandra looked at him, confused. "Are you okay?"

Doug, who really didn't know exactly what had happened himself, just shook it off. "Yeah. It's... it's nothing."

He was saved from explaining himself by a whistle, informing the children that it was time to go back to class. "Let's do this every day, okay? Bye!" Doug could only watch as the girl in the yellow dress skipped away.

When he got home,Rachel noticed right away that he seemed a bit distant. "Doug, are you alright?" Cave, who was visiting, would have listened in had he been in earshot. The boy nodded without taking his eyes off the drawing he was beginning. Rachel sat down beside him. "What's this?" She asked

"It's for my friend." Doug's heart fluttered a bit, not used to saying anything like that.

Rachel had never been prouder in her life. The closest thing to a friend Doug had ever had was Danny, his imaginary one. She managed to keep the excitment out of her voice. "Oh? And who's that?"

"Cassandra. I'm drawing her a bird. She likes birds."

"Did she tell you that?"

"No, but she had one on her necklace."

Rachel decided to leave him to his art. Upon re-entering the living room, Cave immedietly started his interigation. "Did you figure out what's wrong?" He asked.

She nodded. "He's sick. Love sick. My baby's growing up." A tear fell silently from her eye.

Cave took her hand in his. "It's not like this is the first time you've seen this happen. Remember when _I_ had my first crush?"

"But that was _different_. This is my son, not my brother. And besides, you're twenty-two. You're still practicly a child."

"Hey, watch it. There's only ten years difference."

Rachel laughed. "Maybe now that he's met someone, he won't need Danny anymore."

It was wishful thinking.

Doug was sitting in his room admiring the gift. "What do you think, Danny?" He paused for a moment. "Hey, Danny? Why can't anyone else hear you?" Pause. "Oh. Isn't it scary when no one can tell you're there?" Pause. "I don't think I could ever get used to it." A longer pause now. "No, she won't replace you, I promise." Pause. "No, I won't tell her about you. I understand." Doug paused once more, laughed, and continued talking to his invisible playmate.

Cassandra loved the drawing and hung it right above her bed in her room. "My cousin told me that if you put something under your pillow at night you'll dream about it, but I don't want it to get crumpled" were her exact words. They became very close in a surprizingly short amount of time, and the more they talked, the less Rachel noticed Doug speaking to Danny. But. of course, Doug knew that Danny was never _really_ gone. He just hid, occasionally giving him advice; granted, sometimes it was bad advice, but the child understood that everyone makes mistakes. The time spent with her was the happiest period in Doug's life.

That's why it hurt so much when it came to an abrupt end.

Doug was waiting in their usual meeting place, but Cassandra was late today. When she finally did arrive, her eyes were red and her face still had traces of tears. "What's wrong?"

"I'm moving."

Doug's eyes widened. No. Surely he must have heard wrong. After all, Danny was snickering at a fairly good volume. "W- what?"

"My dad got a new job in California. We're leaving tomorrow. I'm gonna miss you." Doug couldn't speak. One year. That was how long he'd managed to keep a friend. One lousy year. There were calls of Cassandra's name in the distance. "I have to go pack. I guess this is goodbye." Doug was too broken to reply. She began to walk away, walked a few steps, but then turned back around. She kissed him on the cheek and ran off. It took everything Doug had to keep from crying.

It wasn't until about a week later that his life would be forever changed. Rachel layed in her bed at about 5:30 that Friday night when Doug came in. "Mommy?" The fear in his voice quickly travled to her.

"Honey, what's wrong?" She had him sit on the bed beside her.

"I don't like Danny anymore. He tells me bad things."

Rachel was confused. Couldn't he decide what it said? After all, it was just a figment of his imagination. "Like what, dear?"

Doug was boviously uneasy. "He told me that Cassandra left because she didn't like me anymore, and that I'm gonna be bad at everthing, and that I'd be better off going to Heaven with Daddy." Rachel's heart skipped a few beats, but it felt as if it had stopped when Doug threw his hands to his ears and began pleading with something she couldn't see. "Stop it! No, you're wrong! Leave me alone, Danny!"

They were in the doctor's office within the hour. Doug answered the questions he was asked as quickly as possible.

"Do you play with your friends a lot, Doug?"

"No."

"Do you get a lot of sleep?"

"No."

"And what about Danny? When did he start to show up?"

"I don't want to talk about him."

Rachel took his hand. "Doug, please. Please, honey, we're going to see if we can make him go away. But you need to tell us."

He nodded. "About a year and a half ago. At first he was quiet, but he said that he started to trust me more."

The doctor scribbled a few notes on his clipboard. "Alright. Mrs. Rattmann, if I could see you outside for a moment?" He kept a positive tone in his voice in front of the child. They exited and had no idea that Doug was watching through a small crack in the door. "There is a diagnosis, and there is a way to treat it, though I can't say I've ever seen a case in such a young patient."

Rachel fiddled with her necklace, as she always did when she was anxious. "Treatment? So you mean pills? Please, doctor, I'm scared. My son is hearing people tell him to kill himself. Just tell me what's wrong with my boy."

"Well, it's a fairly myseterious... I hate to use the word 'desease'. 'Mental condition' would be better. You may have heard of it."

Doug didn't know what "Schizophrenia" meant, but it had to be bad, for it left his mother in tears and unable to stand.


	3. Chapter 3: The Rest of Your Life

Mr. Kingston wrote "Tarea: p. 153 Actividades A-D" on the board and everyone in the class took out their Spanish books.

Well, almost everyone.

He knelt down beside the one desk in order to keep his voice down. "Doug?" When the sixteen-year-old's blank stare through the paper in front of him persisted, he knew exactly what was wrong. "Hey, Doug?" He broke from his trance, but the eye that wasn't covered by his black hair still held a presence of fear. "Doug, do you need to go to the nurse?"

Doug blinked a few times to get him back to the real world. "I- I'm sorry. Yes."

When he got down there, the nurse took one look at him and got his medication ready. This wasn't the first time this had happened. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

He pulled at his hair. "_They_ told me I don't need it anymore."

"And when was the last time _they_ were right about anything?" He couldn't argue. "If you keep this up, I'm going to have to call your mother. You're a smart boy, Doug, you skipped the tenth grade. You're only a junior, I don't want to see you throw your life away just because you don't want to do something as simple as take a pill once a day." Doug nodded. "Do you need to stay for a while?"

"No, I should be fine. Thank you." He was actually far from fine. He just didn't want to miss Chemistry.

When the final bell rang, Doug quickly packed up his things and hurried to his bus. When he got off at his stop and began the walk home, his thoughts were focused on the prior events. He never told anyone about his condition. There was no need to. Of course, the teachers had to know for safety reasons, but the entire student body was in the dark. As far as they knew, he was just... strange. He want up the steps and found a handwritten note in the front door.

Doug,

Have to work late today.

Call Uncle Johnson if you need anything.

Love,

Mom

He took the spare key from its hiding place above the door and let himself in. He immediately began working on his homework. About half-way through, he heard a threatening message.

_They're coming for you..._

Doug's hand flew to his mouth. _Stay calm. It's not can't do anything to you._ With each reassuring thought, more voices broke through. When the battle in his mind grew unbearable, he swiftly ran to the medicine cabinet. He took a pill out of the bottle and swallowed, not even taking the time to get a glass of water. He knew he wasn't supposed to, that the doctor had warned him against it, but he just wanted peace. Peace like he knew ten years ago. It had been bad, sure, but at least he didn't have to worry about his own sanity. _I keep telling them I need a bigger dose. Why don't they believe me? Do they think I'm going to get addicted or something?_ The medication took a while to take effect, and soon the quiet of the empty house began to return. The last voice he heard was even more painful and frightening than the threats.

_Doug, where are you? I thought we were friends..._

It killed him as it faded away. "No, please don't leave me!" He called out. Suddenly coming to his senses, he shook the remaining echos out of his head. _Pull yourself together. It's been seven years. You've made it this far. It's only the rest of your life._ His internal pep-talk did nothing for his heart. He leaned on the bathroom sink and muttered a single word to himself. "Cassandra..."

The stress and the desire to let it out led to Doug hitting a tennis ball against the house. He would strike it with his father's racket as hard as possible;e, still being sure not to hit any windows. Were he not so aggressive with it, the events of that day would have ended much differently.

"Well, if it isn't the Rat Man!" Doug looked over, only to see Alex Merchant and his band of straight-D juvenile delinquents. "I didn't know you play tennis."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me. Sports is by far only the beginning."

Alex laughed. "You think tennis is a sport? Are you crazy?" Doug pretended not to be affected by the choice of words. "You know what are real sports? Boxing and wrestling. Here, we'll show you how it's done."

Doug was a strong young man, but, as previously stated, he'd tired himself out. That being said, he was on the ground in almost no time. The beatings rained down relentlessly, and about fifteen minutes later, Doug was left in his suffering.

Nothing had been broken, thankfully, and he got into the shower right away to wash off the dirt and gravel. He managed to hide the various cuts and bruises with his long-sleve shirt and jeans. As for the black eye, his hair covered it naturally.

Rachel got home not too long afterward. When she asked how his day went, he simply shrugged. "Good. Uneventful." He lied to keep her worries away. He ran his fingers through his wet hair and started off to his room.

"Douglas Anthony Rattmann!" This was bad. This was _really_ bad. He knew he was in trouble if she just called him Douglas, but for her to use his full name meant that he was in for one hell of a time. "What happened to your neck?"

Doug put his hand to the back of his neck, feeling the rise of a large scratch he didn't know he had, exposed from his drenched hair sticking to the sides. Always thinking on his feet, he didn't miss a beat with his excuse. "I dropped my pencil when I was doing homework and hit it on the edge of the counter when I came back up."

Rachel eyed him suspiciously. "Doug, are you lying to me?"

"What? No! What would make you say that?"

She looked deep into him, sensing the loneliness that was always present in his eyes. "Because you're my son and I know you."

Unsure exactly how to proceed, Doug panicked and let out an aggravated sigh. "No you don't! You don't know anything! You have no idea how _difficult_ this is on me! First I have to deal with the fact that I'm _insane_, and now my own mother doesn't believe me about _anything_! You don't believe that I need more than one pill a day, and now this! Even if I were lying, I'm not a kid anymore! I can take care of myself!"

Rachel watched broken-hearted as he stormed up to his room.

He sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands. "I'm so stupid..." He muttered to himself. He never wanted to hurt the only one who had stayed with his throughout his internal torment, but all of the emotions he'd hidden for the long years since his diagnosis had taken him over. He wanted to apologize, tell her he hadn't meant it, but he knew that he had to calm down before he could do anything. He momentarily considered calling his uncle to vent, as he'd been told he could, but he assumed that he was busy at his new company. Instead, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and began scribbling abstract portraits of himself, his mother, his uncle, and, of course, Cassandra Dasley.

* * *

><p><strong>I promise the chapters get better from this point on! Don't lose faith in me yet!<strong>


	4. Chapter 4: Well Here We Are Again

"Mr. Rattmann!" Doug looked up from the diagrams he'd been working on.

"Professor, how are you?"

Professor Lucia greeted him with a handshake. "Good, good. I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting another assistant. Not replacing you, of course. Just figured you could use some help. A year behind you. I was thinking you could train 'em. Granted, they're a Chemistry major instead of Engineering, but I know for a fact you're skilled in both."

So that was how it started. The following day, Doug was preparing the lesson for Professor Lucia's Scientific Engineering lecture when he heard the door open. "This is Lab Four, right?" Doug was surprised to hear that the timid voice behind him was female, but, out of respect, kept the feeling to himself.

"Yes, it is." When he turned, he saw what could have been the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on. Her brown hair was pulled back, as was required in a Laboratory, and her green eyes scanned him up and down.

She took a few steps toward him and looked deep into his eyes before she smiled. "Doug. Doug Rattmann." The sound of his name being issued through her lips set his heart aflame.

"How do you..."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a wallet. From inside emerged a whithered piece of paper, which she handed to him. When he unfolded it, a child's drawing of a bird was beginning to fade. "Cassandra...?"

She blushed and smiled as she put the picture away. "I'm kind of going by Cassy now."

"That makes sense." Said Doug. "Cassandra is just a little girl."

She laughed. "Well, that's not exactly the case anymore. When they told me I'd be working with someone who would be getting their doctorate's in a few months, I never could have imagined..."

Doug longed to embrace her, to feel her soft hair on his clean-shaven face, but he restrained himself. "You came back. Didn't you like California?"

"Well," She began. "We didn't stay there long. My dad packed us up and brought us to Sweden within the year. But it wasn't so bad. I didn't have any friends to say goodbye to."

"Really? Doug asked. "You had no trouble approaching me."

In the florescent of the lab, Cassy's eyes sparkled in the same manner in which they had the moment Doug had first seen her. "That's because," She chose her words carefully. "No one quite... intrigued me as you did."

"What do you mean?"

"You were always so sad, yet never wanted help. So lonely, yet never wanted to speak. And then," She gingerly placed her hands on either side of his face. "There are those _eyes_. Strange, yet captivating. Almost magical."

Doug took her wrists gently, as if any pressure at all would shatter them, and removed contact with that which he felt he would never be worthy of. "There is no magic. It's all in your head."

"Even so," She grasped his large hands in her small ones. "The mind is an amazing thing. Sometimes, if you tell yourself something enough," She leaned in closer, closer still. The warmth of her breath dissolving his worries. Her voice was only a whisper now. "It becomes true." So close now, just one more inch-

_Don't flatter yourself..._

The unwanted voice startled him and caused him to drop two things- the book he accidentally knocked off the table, and the small orange bottle the flew out of his pocket. He snatched up the bottle before she could and shoved it back. "I- I have to go."

"Doug, I'm sorry. I-"

"No." He pleaded. "Please, don't be. It's just..." He shook his head and hurried out the door. Cassy watched him go, then picked up the book he'd forgotten, read the title, and her heart reached out to him. The name of the book was _Art Therapy_.

Doug had a private dorm, as he'd requested. He took his medication and looked at himself in the mirror. The blue of his eyes reflected his fear, his shame, his outright _desire_ to be happy for once in his sorry life. But he knew it was in vain. The schizophrenia could take him over. He had no idea what it could drive him to do. _I love her so much. That's why she can't know. No one can ever know_. In his grief, he sat at his desk to try and calm down. He took out a drawing pad and pencils, and it was then that he realized what he was missing. _The book!_

It was not the book that really got to him. One can always buy a new book. It was what was inside it.

Cassy, in her curiosity, had begun to flip through the pages. There were numerous methods of coping with tragedies from basic depression to the death of a family member. _He's an Engineering major, _She thought. _Why would he have a book on psychology? Unless something's wrong... _She got to a section titled "Dealing with Mental Illness". Ordinarily, she never would have even considered the possibility, but the fact that there was a paper marking the page concerned her. When she looked at it, she immediately understood why he'd left in such a hurry. She held the prescription for the anti-psychotic to her chest and wished for his well-being.

Doug knew he was caught. All those years of keeping his secret, only to have it fall apart all at once. There was no doubt in his mind she'd looked through it. He buried his head in his arms, all of his regrets coming into view. His dorm wall, covered with various sketches of scenes from his life, seemed to leer at him, reminding him of all his wrongs. Aggravated with himself, he grabbed his notebook and began writing anything that came into his head.

All this time and no one's ever cared. Why should they I'm nothing special. It's so hard. And I'm scared.

I'm insane? Ha! You don't know the meaning of the word! But aren't I? There is no magic it's all in your head. This.

This is all in my head. She looked at me. Looked into me. And it hurts. I love her so much it hurts. And I hurt her.

But I kept from hurting her more, didn't I? If she ever knew. But now she will know. I've ruined everything. I'm a failure.

Just look at me. That look in her eyes- those beautiful eyes!- that was shame. Shame and fear. Was she

afraid for me or herself? Answer me that. You don't understand. I need her she is the only thing I want

in this world. But she doesn't need me. She's better off without me.

Doug's head shot up when the phone rand. He didn't know who would be calling this late at night, but answered it anyway. "Hello?"

"Doug!"

"Uncle Johnson? What's wrong?"

"Doug, you have to come home! Your mother-"

He was so devastated that he almost dropped the phone.


	5. Chapter 5: Starting Anew

Doug went back to the University two days after the funeral. His whole world had been shattered, and he'd never felt anything like the heavy sickness in his heart. The previous day he'd been so distraught that he'd forgotten to take his medication. The result of his neglagence had been his collapsing on the hotel room floor in a nervous breakdown, his uncle having to pull him together.

So now he walked into Professor Lucia's lab and flicked on the lights. He'd already begun straightening out the shelves before he noticed the other figure in the room. "Wednesdays are your day off." He said flatly.

Cassy stood up. "I know. I wanted to talk to you."

"Why?" Doug's gaze was filled with apologetic compassion. "You're not stupid. You read it." She nodded sadly. "I know you want to leave, to run away."

"Doug..."

"Don't give me that. You're afraid of me, aren't you? You know I could lose myself at any moment."

"Please, Doug..."

"Cassy, listen to me. You need to get away from me. It _kills_ me to say that, but it needs to be said. I'm saying it for you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have to believe me that-"

"Douglas Rattmann!" The way she said his name, the way she cut him off from his distressed thoughts, it reminded him of his mother. He fell silent and allowed her to continue. "When I read it, I... felt something. I felt all the pain you've been through, and it was terrible. When I was in Sweden, I learned a phrase that I've been wanting to call you since the day I heard it. Doug Rattmann, you are _min kärlek_, and I never want to leave you again. _Min kärlek _means 'my love'. I love you. I love you and I need you with me and I'm not letting your stupid schizophrenia take you away from me!"

Doug couldn't speak. He could only walk toward the woman he'd loved his entire life. All the years apart had not softened the feelings. It had only made them stronger in this moment. This glorious moment neither wanted to end. When he managed to make his voice work, the words were all that was in his heart. "Don't let it. Even if it takes me away from myself, don't let it separate us. Promise me."

"I promise."

"So, what are your plans after you graduate?" Cassy asked as she pulled on her blouse.

Doug watched her from his rumpled bed. "My uncle promised me a job at his lab."

"Have I heard of it?"

"Maybe. Aperture Science Innovations?"

Cassy dropped everything and turned toward him. Cave Johnson is your uncle?" Doug nodded. "Well, that explains it!"

"Explains what?"

She leaned over the bed and kissed him for a long moment. "How incredibly smart you are." He caressed her, and she followed suit, the two of them almost getting carried away. "I have to go. I told my roommate I'm helping set up for Professor Lucia's new experiment."

Doug got up and kissed her goodbye. "See you tomorrow, then?"

She traced the details of his bare chest with her hands. "I wouldn't have it any other way." She pulled his head to her lips and whispered "_Min kärlek_". When she was gone, Doug got dressed for sleep. But first, he stood by his window and looked up at the midnight sky above. _I wish you could have met her, mom. She's all I've ever wanted._

The relationship continued going strong for a few months after the affair. Doug was wandering around the campus three weeks prior to his graduation when he head Cassy yell his name. When he turned, her eyes exerted an alarming radiating of fear. He would never forget that sight. "Doug, I need to tell you something."

Cave sat at his desk reviewing lab reports when he heard a knock at his door. "Who is it?"

The voice that responded surprised him. "I- it's Doug. I- I called before I came. Greg said he'd tell you."

Though he'd never been informed of any call, Cave told him to come in. The blank yet astonished look on his nephew's face caused him to stand up to address him. "Doug, what's wrong?"

His expression didn't change. "You know that girl I've been seeing?"

"Yeah. Cassy, was it? Why, is something wrong? Is she alri-" Cave suddenly understood. "Is she... Doug, is Cassy pregnant?" Doug nodded slowly as he began to break. Cave took him in his arms and tried to stop him from crying. "Just hang in there. It'll be okay."

"I know." He said between sobs. "I'm just... I'm so happy."

The thunderous applause was a new experience for Doug. He exited the stage and was soon met up with by Cave. "Hey, _Doctor_ Rattmann!" He gave him a congratulatory hug. "You still interested in that job?"

"Of course." He responded. "I need to take care of my family." The words sounded strange coming from his mouth. My family. I'm going to be a father.

"Doug!" Cassy ran over to them and hugged him, congratulating him with a kiss.

After introductions, Doug took Cassy's hand. "Let's skip the graduation party. There's something I need to do." Cave gave him a knowing nod and left them. Doug led her to his car and began driving. About half-way to their destination, he pulled over and told her to put on a blindfold. "Trust me." He assured her. They eventually arrived, and Doug cut the engine. He opened the passenger door and helped Cassy out, and once they were in place, he told her to take off the fabric from her eyes.

She did, and muttered an astonished "Wow..." to no one in particular. They stood on a small stone bridge in a wooded area in their hometown. It stood above a small stream, which reflected the scene above it.

"This place..." Said Doug, feeling his pocket to make sure its contents were still there. "This is the place I looked at you for the first time. My mother had sent me to the store, and I had to go by this way. I heard a voice, a girl singing, and I saw you sitting right here on this ledge. I don't think you saw me, because I hid. But I couldn't stop watching you, listening to your sweet voice. There I was, nothing more than a child, taken away from everything I'd ever known by a girl I knew nothing about. At that moment, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. And now that we're having this baby, this is the perfect time to ask." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small velvet box as he knelt down before the woman who looked as if she were about to cry. "Cassandra Dasley, Cassy, I would be honored if you would marry me."

She seemed almost to freeze, having not seen this coming. The seconds seemed to go on forever, and for a moment, he almost expected denial. It wasn't until she spoke that he knew for sure what her answer was. "Doug... _Min kärlek_..." He placed the ring on her finger, and they kissed in all of their love and passion.

Doug glanced over to the calender on the desk of his lab and counted the days. Just two more months. Two months before he was a married man. And in about three weeks, a father. He smiled to himself and thought about how things would change. Cassy and the child would move in with him at Aperture, and when he would get off his shift, he would be greeted by the smiling child and his wife, whom he would have had to pull himself away from that morning with all of his strength. And when the child was finally asleep-

His thoughts were cut short by the ringing of the desk phone. "Aperture Science Innovations. Dr. Rattmann speaking."

"Doug! Doug, _min kärlek_, you need to come!" Cassy said from the other side of the line. Her voice was filled with excitement and slight but growing pain. "Doug, it's time!"

It took a moment for Doug's mind to comprehend what she'd said. Time? Right now? But there was still three weeks until the due date. "I- I'll be right there!" He hung up the phone and began bolting through the halls, stopping only at the sight of his uncle's assistant. "Greg! Tell Mr. Johnson that my fiancée is in labor right now and I have to go!"

"I will. And congratulations!"

Doug thanked him, and as he resumed his mad dash for the exit, he yelled back one last thing. "Make sure you do!"

So when Cave was sitting in his office and Greg ran in, he was somewhat confused. "What's the rush?" He asked.

The man was breathing heavily from running from one side of the facility to the other. "About... fourty-five... minutes ago... Dr. Rattmann... wanted me to tell you... that his fiancée... is having her baby..."

"Well why the hell didn't you tell me fourty-five minutes ago?" Greg apologized as Cave stood up in a hurry. "I swear, one more slip-up like this and I'll find a woman that can do your job twice as well!"

Doug burst into the hospital room. Cassy was laying on the bed, and as much as she wanted to greet him, the agony of childbirth was too great. He ran over to her and took her hand, whispering to her all the while. "You're doing great. Just hold on. There you go, just like that. I love you." The whole time, nurses and doctors rushed around the room, yelling conditions and ordering procedures. Doug didn't really start listening to them until they began sounding frantic.

"Her heart rate's rising!"

"Blood pressure's at 147/83!"

A nurse took Doug's arm. "Sir, I'm sorry, you have to come with me."

"What? No! I- I can't!"

"Stay with us, ma'am!"

"Sir, please."

"No!"

"We're losing her!"

Doug called out Cassy's name as two nurses had to escort him into the waiting room. He was sitting in one of the chairs when he heard someone address him. "Doug! I'm sorry I'm late! Greg can't do anything around there! Where's Cassy? Don't they let you in the room with her?" When Cave saw the hopeless look on his face, he understood that something was very wrong. He didn't know what until one of the nurses that had been in the room entered.

Doug jumped up, his desperate heart begging for her well-being. "Dr. Rattmann... I'm sorry." All at once, his whole world fell apart. _My Cassy... My little Cassandra... How could this happen...? _His entire life had been spent dreaming of her, wanting nothing more than for her to love him as much as he loved her. And what had it come to? More loss, grieving, and pain. That was all he ever got in life, all he deserved. Cave embraced him, Doug not caring how weak he looked. He was weak. _No... She can't be gone. Why am I such a failure? What's the point in living anymore? _"Dr. Rattmann?" Doug looked up at the nurse through his tears. "The baby. Would you like to see her?"

He and Cave followed the woman, their hearts heavy. Cave couldn't shake the sorrow he felt for his nephew. First the death of his father, his diagnosis and the struggles it brought, the loss of his mother, and now the only woman he'd ever loved. His whole life was down the drain. The thought of his own family was surely the only thing keeping him together. With his sanity already decaying, how would he go on after this?

The walk seemed to last an eternity. The tears still slid down Doug's face; tears he'd wanted to cry many times before. Since the day he was born.

_Those eyes. Strange, yet captivating. Almost magical..._

_There is no magic. He thought. It's all in your head._ _I don't deserve a wife, or a child, even the precious gift of life. This is how it's been- how it _will_ be- all of my life. I'm a disgrace. I can't do this. Not alone._

_You're right..._

_She'd rather be dead than be with you..._

He didn't bother pushing the voices away. _I'll never be able to look at myself the same way again. I don't want to be in this world if this is how it's going to go._

"Dr. Rattmann," The nurse held a bundle of pink blankets. "Your daughter."

"My... my daughter..." He whispered to himself, trying the words for himself. The nurse began to hand him the girl. "C- could I sit down first?" She nodded and he did. He took the infant in his arms ever so gently. She had his brilliant blue eyes, and, thought there wasn't much to speak of, his onyx hair.

"Did you two come up with a name?" Cave asked, looking over his shoulder.

Doug nodded. "Breanna." He looked into the pure, innocent face of the newborn. _Why do I continue living? This is why. She needs me. And I need her. My entire purpose in life is laying in my arms. She's perfect. And I'll be perfect. For her. I'll make sure that her life will be better than mine. _He managed to quiet the noises in his head. Screaming insults, a dull roar, then silence. He took advantage of this moment of peace to whisper to the tiny child. "It's okay now. Daddy's here. It'll be okay, min kärlek..."

* * *

><p>Doug opened his eyes before the dream could continue. He was glad, relieved, for the rest was too painful, even more so than anything else. He'd been awakened by the sound of his name being called. He looked over to his companion cube. "Someone's coming down the elevator!" He grabbed the cube and scrambled to a hiding place before the cameras and turrets could activate.<p>

The lights in the test chamber flickered on, and Doug saw the figure of a woman entering. _Can she truly be awake after all this time? _The woman had dark hair and, though Doug couldn't see them, he knew her eyes were blue-grey. _Uncle Johnson's eyes... _He'd prepared for this moment, painting on the walls to help her, even opening a panel to let her into one of his dens, to tell her she wasn't alone. But he wouldn't reveal himself. Not yet. He wouldn't distract her with the desire to keep him safe. All he could do now was wait.


End file.
